Written by Peter Jackson Eastwood • Published 01st March 2018 • 3 minute read

The dizzying world of Public Relations, explained through the prism of clichéd football analogies. It’s the blog you never knew that you needed, because frankly, you don’t.

Simpler than a James Milner interview, more packed with information than a Rafa Benitez team talk, sexier than Mesut Ozil signing a new contract. Who’s who and what do they do? Read on and become enlightened.

The Intern – Wonderkid winger, no doubt. All pace, energy and unpredictability. Could go down the outside and look to whip in a cross, or could scythe inside their marker and slam some research into the back of the net. More performances like this, and a regular first-team berth awaits.

The Account Executive – The goal poacher/fox in the box. There is only one thing on this deadly finisher’s mind – coverage, coverage, coverage (or goals, goals, goals). Think Francis Jeffers or Michael Owen. Could their build up play improve? Maybe, but who cares when they keep slamming coverage into the back of the net.

The Sports PR – Defensive midfielder/Claude Makelele. The shield that guards the realms of sports. The watcher in the Wardour. Work rate that puts everybody else to shame, tenacious ball-winning capabilities, phenomenal determination. The Sports PR is so relentlessly effective that they can occasionally slip under the radar, but make no mistake, they’re the heartbeat of the side.

The Creative team – The mercurial #10, at their happiest and best when given free rein to roam around, looking to create. Beware of loading them up with defensive responsibilities, you don’t want to go all Jose and destroy these rare beasts. Anointed set piece takers for their creative routines.

The Corporate PR team – You might not know it to look at them, but the corporate actually started out as an agricultural centre back, all crunching tackles and barking orders down the phone at journalists. No longer, they’ve refined their play to become elegant, ball-playing defenders. Crunching tackles aren’t likely anymore, they don’t want to ruin their suit trousers, do they?

The Crisis Expert – Goalkeeper. You know it. I know it. A specialist position, they can see the whole game unfolding in front of them. But while they are a safe pair of hands, they are eccentric. What’s going on in their head? What’s their next move? Do they know what I did on last week’s social? Or are they just smiling at me to be friendly? I don’t know. Only another Crisis Keeper knows.

The Public Affairs/Political expert – Deep-lying Playmaker. Are they smashing in 30-yarders and ripping their shirt off? Probably not. Are they pulling strings in the background, making everybody else look good? Probably. Not flashy, and only really appreciated by those who know what they’re watching. They captain our side because they know how not to upset people.

The Account Director – Gaffer. The brains behind the operation. When they’re not formulating devilish strategy and media formations, they’re cajoling their star players, instilling confidence ready for another assault on the industry awards.


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